I have had suicidal feelings before, because of my demons and because of the past. I have some nights where I simply read something and I break down, there are nights where I desperately pray, and there are nights where I feel so numb because everything hits me at once and everything comes back at once.
Tonight happens to be one of those nights.
These nights can be triggered by anything, but it’s hard for the feeling to go away. The sadness, worthlessness, frustration but mot notably: the emptiness. Yes, it’s going to be one of those nights where I lie awake for hours and wonder why I’m even on this earth. Flashbacks of the past years will crop up, especially from last year. My workload will taunt me. I’ll feel worthless. I’ll feel hopeless. I’ll feel like dying.
But I still wake up the next morning and carry on.
One thing I have learnt and what I try to remember on nights like these, is that the past is gone and I lived through it. I survived. And if you are going through anything where you see suicide or self harm as an option, don’t do it. If I am capable of waking up each morning despite how bad the night before was, so are you. Please know you do not suffer alone. Ever since the day where my best guy friend stopped me from taking my own life (unknowingly at the time), to today, I have tried to use the things that I have been through as lessons.
In life, there is no such thing as failure. Only success and lessons. The more you apply that to your life, the better the outlook will be. There will always be nights like tonight where I feel worthless and empty, but in order for myself to have self worth and to feel content I must first get up and carry on.
I’m sorry this was not my usual chirpy post, but this is so important for me and the more people that hear this message the better, because no one deserves to experience such pain.